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Perpetually Horny

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[14 Mar 2003|12:01pm]
I am beyond livid right now.

That is all.
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This Time Around [13 Mar 2003|08:20pm]
Well a year ago today was a good day for me.

And it has proven once again to be yet another good day for me this time around.

For entirely different reasons..

But still very good.

That's all I can really say right now...

That... and... in the classic words of Dorothy:

if I ever go searching for my heart's desire.. I won't go looking farther than my own back yard.. because, if it isn't there.. I haven't really lost it to begin with..

This is going to be good.

That is all.
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[13 Mar 2003|03:25pm]
Dear Elvis,

I want to have sex with your daughter.


Thank you,

-Aly

3 comments|post comment

[10 Mar 2003|02:58pm]
I'm in love with Linda Eder.

No woman can ever replace her in my heart.

She has regained the number 1 spot in my heart.

Her "Gold" attempt sent her down to number 2, under Jane Monheit as #1..

Not that I am not also in love with Jane..

But..

Linda Eder, Broadway, My Way... Is the greatest thing to hit my ears in this new year.

And possibly the year before that, too.

I'm in love, and that's all there is to it.

I will marry this album and make it carry my children.

This is possible, yes?

That is all.
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A little Barbra [07 Mar 2003|08:27pm]
Don't tell me not to live just sit and putter
Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade.
Don't tell me not to fly I've simply got to
If someone takes a spill it's me and not you
Who told you you're allowed to rain on my parade?
I'll march my band out, and I'll beat my drum
and if I'm fanned out
your turn at bat, sir
least I didn't fake it
hat sir, guess I didn't make it.
Get ready for me life cause I'm coming
I've simply got to march, my heart is drumming
Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade.
I'm going to live and live now
Get what I want I know how..
One roll for the whole she-bang
One throw that bell will go clang
Eye on the target and WHAM
One shot, one gun shot and BAM
Hey world, here I am.
I'll march my band out
I'll beat my drum
and if I'm found out..
You're turn at bat, sir
least I didn't fake it
Hat sir, guess I didn't make it..
Get ready for me life, cause I'm coming
I've simply got to march, my heart's drumming...
Nobody, no... nobody..
Is gunna rain on my parade.


And if anyone, and I mean anyone thinks they have any idea what this pertains to... then you're probably.. no... definitely.. wrong.

That is all.
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[04 Mar 2003|02:53pm]
This is all I have to say. (click here)
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[18 Feb 2003|12:50pm]
Sometimes I get sad that I no longer work at Mohegan Sun.

Then... I look at the website, and I find out that it was meant to be.

Because...

Cher is returning.

That is right.. Cher is returning to Mohegan Sun, ladies and gentlemen.

And I am FREE to stay as FAR AWAY from them as possible.

Word.
1 comment|post comment

and I have the sense to recognize.. [26 Jan 2003|11:36pm]
Allow me to write for awhile tonight... too many sleepless nights for me to count, and too many days filled with trying to catch up with it. And trying to run from my thoughts and my feelings once again.. trying to isolate it all, lock it away.. hold it in. But I cannot toss tonight, I cannot turn.. I cannot think anymore.

Been doing a lot of thinking and feeling as of late.. I have no choice, because I am often found alone with my thoughts and feelings... by choice, by accident, by fault... by default.

Anger runs through me like drugs once did, not too long ago but forever ago all at the same time. It intoxicates me, leaves me drunk and weak, and scared.

I feel much as my father must now a days.. I feel betrayed, lonely, hurt, disgusted... I feel like the the whole world is after me. No matter what I do, no matter where I go... how I act, who I love.. who I hate.. who I befriend... nothing matters.. there's no one to trust.. because something always gets in the way.. something always winds up happening to hurt me in the end.

And that hurt, for lack of means to deal with it, becomes anger.. pain enduced anger... rage at times.. that fills my heart with hate, jealousy... and consequently, indifference.

I can start off by blaming my father.
My father, who I love dearly, you all know.
My father... who brought this man into my life who hurt me.
My father.. who used this man against us later..
My father, who uses his love to bribe us.
Said constantly "make me proud..." "be this" "do this"
But never asked what I wanted.
My father.. who makes me feel like less of a person for being who he is... and who he taught me to be.

I can start by blaming my mother..
Who loved this man brought into my life..
Who chose this man over me..
Who neglects to take blame for doing so.
Who refuses to apologize.
Who lives in a world where conflict becomes habitual...
Who lives in a world there after conflict, the world rebirths as if nothing has happened.. and nothing will.
Who blooms in fantasy, while crying alone at night in her room.. because she is, consequently, alone.
Who taught me to become who she is... and hates the part of me that is him... because she hates him.

I can then blame this man..
I can hate him.
I can spit at him.
Follow him around, slash his tires.
Chase him from my house with a baseball bat.
Fill up with hatred as he hides behind my mother..
But with blame, does not come forgiving.. does not come forgetting.

I can blame the people I got involved with after this man.
I can blame what I did those few years..
I can blame substance.
I can blame abuse..

I can blame Anita..
For saying she loved me. For being the first person to make me believe that..
Then for leaving.

I can blame Kristy for promising forever..
Then lying.. and cheating behind my back...
Returning, under my gentle forgiveness...
only to cheat again.. lie again..

I can blame Juli and Shannon for kicking me out.
I can blame Anthony for walking away..
I can blame Natasha for not being there that day...

I can blame Tara for dying.
And laying there dead in front of me for hours.
And not getting up when I prayed.

I can blame God for hating me..
I can blame his son for making sure my prayers were reversed, then granted.. backwards.

I have so many rooted issues.. so many blames to place.. So many fingers to point...

So much hurt and pain inside..

But I cannot help but realize that there is no one on this earth that I hate or blame.. except myself.

Now please.. this is not a post for pity.. a post for "aly is wonderful" response... nor is it an apology... merely a revelation.. merely mind processing matter.. processing anger.. processing pain.. processing... feeling.

In essence.. I cannot blame my father..
Because I am him. Running around with a chip on my shoulder, trying to fix things that are impossible.. promising more that is impossible.. hanging on to things as thought it might solve anything.. lashing out at people that are in no place to blame.. expecting of people what I wish I could do myself...
That is my father me.

I cannot blame my mother..
Because I am her. Spinning webs to keep everyone safe.. but only keeping them safe from myself.. Pretending to be what I am not, forgetting what I was.. and forgetting who I am.. trying to be what I am wanted to be... what I HAVE wanted to be.. but knowing I am not.
That is my mother me.

I cannot blame him.
Because through series of events, he is not the core of the fall out of our family. And not the core of the fall out of myself. I do not forgive him.. i will not forget.. I will cringe when he walks into my mom's house.. I will bitterly walk away.. but I cannot place blame on him. He is not the scapegoat any longer. It's the fact my father used him to get to my mother... for something long ago... and it backfired on him... and now he hates.. and she hates.. and taught us to hate... or brought us up to hate.. but it is not primarily his fault.. and I need to accept that now.

I cannot blame Anita for leaving.
It wasn't something meant to be. It wasn't anything meant to go on. Learning experiences are learning experiences.. Love was love.. That was that.. I cannot blame her for not saving me from what I know now is myself. What I thought before was my family.

I cannot blame Kristy for cheating.
I had latched onto her as though it were essential part of daily life. Like love was all the world had to offer me anymore.. real love. That wasn't there... and that part of me that likes to pretend.. enjoyed pretending that everything was fine.. and that I was everything I wanted to be to her... and lord knows I wasn't. And I cannot blame her for not being honest.. because I wasn't honest.. I was pretending... because that's what I wanted. So an eye for an eye. I cannot blame her for breaking a heart that wasn't there. It was just another excuse for me to fall down.

I cannot blame Juli and Shannon for kicking me out. I cannot blame them for being angry with me. For, once again.. I liked to pretend.. I liked to make everyone happy with me so that I can be where I wanted to be... but not because I didn't care about their feelings.. but when I am in the pretend zone.. they don't exist.. except to make me what I want to be.. bring me what I want... and forget about who helped in the long run.. and lose sight of that... and then turn around and blame them.. and be angry with them.. for not understanding. Understanding what? There was nothing to understand.

I cannot blame Anthony for walking away.. I would have, too.. such a long time ago. It's hard loving someone who doesn't exist anymore. Someone buried beneath a facade of someone you despise. I would have walked away such a long time ago.. and never looked back. I cannot say he deserted me.. He was there when I needed him.. he always has been. But it wasn't me who needed him.. I don't even know who I am.. how is he to know? So he did not even walk away from me.. he walked away from a stranger.. and I cannot blame him for that.

And lastly.. I cannot blame Natasha for anything. Not that I ever have.. not that I ever will.. I will never speak poorly of her.. or blame her for anything.. The only thing she is guilty of is loving me too much for her own good. And, of course, getting hurt by that love in the long run. I walked away from her a long time ago, trying hard to not go back.. She was too real for my pretend world.. she always has been. I told her a long time ago she was better off... and I've proven it once and for all. The one thing in this world that was real to me... even through all the layers I hid it under... I couldn't deal with feeling so much all at once.. all these things locked inside my heart.. that only someone with a loving heart such as her's, and the right time, could speak to. And by any given right, Natasha is an amazing person.. but she is not, has not, will never be a superhero. And when drowning, she could not save me. I could not save me.. Love, in all of it's strength, could not save me. I said once, not too long ago.. that love opens your eyes to every sense and every emotion.. You cannot feel love without having known pain.. And up until that point of love.. I hadn't known pain.. just anger and blame... I cannot hold against her the fact that I did not know what to do with myself.. with my emotions.. because they are mine.. not her's. I wanted to give them to her, to have her take them.. because she's much stronger than I.. and I knew that.. But instead, she knew I was trying to drown her, too.. and jumped ship just before we went under. That's for her own good. There was no saving me.. and no sense in going down trying. Because I know she tried before.. I know she tried almost a year ago. I know she's been trying.. I know she is trying.. but it's hard being the only beam standing... too much pressure builds up, and its not worth falling down for...

I keep wondering why I always seem to get back up from being kicked down.. Time and time again.. Why does it keep happening.. why am I always left with myself and only myself?

The only thing constant in all these patterns.. and all these blames.. is me.

It's only me.

I can only blame myself for not being strong.. For not saying "NO" loud enough.. for not loving hard enough.. for not feeling strong enough.. for not crying.. for blaming everyone else.. then pretending it was impossible for anything to be my fault. For playing victim so many times it became a routine.... so that I could feel like I was a strong person for standing up again after getting knocked down..

When in reality..

So many years ago when I first fell...

I never really got up to begin with.
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[22 Jan 2003|11:57pm]
I'll be gone for the weekend.

Please don't go searchin for me.

For I am not where you think I will be found.

That was profound, was it not?

That is all.
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Come on babe why don't we paint the town... [20 Jan 2003|12:59am]
For lack of a better subject, anyway.

Today I realized miracles do happen.

First miracle of the day... Chicago winning Best Musical or Comedy.. Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy.. and best Actor in a musical or comedy...

"But Aly," you might be saying to yourselves.. "you have not seen this movie yet.."

"Ah, yes.. I know.." I shall reply..

"However, the success of this musical as a motion picture will here mark the comeback of the old age movie musical."

Which, of course.. is exciting to me.

The second miracle happened as I was preparing to leave tonight to go out for a bit..

I was searching for my wallet...

When I realized.. I washed the pants that, just yesterday, had my wallet in them.

Was I smart enough to take my wallet out before washing and drying articles of clothing, including said pants?

Oh no, my friends..

I was not.

Wallet.. paycheck cashed in all it's glory.. and valueables such as a poem, and T's Mohegan Sun card... all nicely washed and dried.

Visions of torn and tattered hundreds and twenties raced through my mind, as I raced down the stairs.

Upon opening the drier, I was greeted with a crumpled... but still in-tact hundred dollar bill...

Ahh dead president smiling upon me once I flattened it out to be sure it was still good.

Quickly, I realized that there was much more than just $100 in my wallet... as I frantically searched for the contents of my wallet, amongst rain freshly clean boxer briefs, jeans, dress shirts, and tshirts..

I found everything I knew was worth anything.. and then some... some lost treasures of the wallet that I had forgotten about.

At that moment..

I saw the laundry god smile down upon me.

And perhaps I might be greeted, a week down the line, with another $10 or so in my underwear, or perhaps pants of the day.

That will be a good day, I think.

But.. besides finding money in my shorts, and the comeback of the movie musical.. I have nothing to report.

That is all.
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[16 Jan 2003|11:54am]


Sky minus three weeks and counting.

Only three more fat paychecks to go before I have my baby back.

That's all.

I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can.
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[14 Jan 2003|02:44pm]
not doing so good today.
2 comments|post comment

104 Soundview Terrace [12 Jan 2003|11:39pm]
Mom and VJ took Puppy to her new home today. No more puppy.

They're both very very sad.

But Puppy is in a nice, loving home.. with 85 billion acres of land to run around... things of that nature.

But I don't think anyone will love Puppy as much as my mom and VJ.

Sky was very very sad to see Puppy go.. and was very confused.. because Puppy has never been out like that before.. Sky was walking around the house all day looking for her.

It broke my heart.

But what hurt even more so... was taking my sad and confused Sky to the kennel to board her today.

She was shaking and crying, and so sad. I myself couldn't stop crying long enough to give the lady my address.

Had to hand her my ID and write down my phone number, because I couldn't talk.

Perhaps, I am broken.

And maybe I am weak.

Spent the last night ever in my house last night.

Left it for good today.

Only to return to move things out of it.

It was my last day with my home.

Spent the night last night in my old bedroom (which has since been VJ's bedroom) for old times sake.

Closed my eyes and imagined how it was when I lived there.. Couldn't even see the walls, I had so many pictures and posters hanging up all over the place.

I remember my mom and I painting in there. It had been this tacky peach color for the longest time... and we painted it white.

Took Sky out to the yard for the last time..

Let her run around and such, played some ball.. Watched as she barked under a tree, trying to coax the ball out.

(I had to crawl under the tree to get the ball, the barking didn't really motivate the ball to move)

Looked around the yard... fell back into memories.. before the pool was put in, it was the perfect size for a mini baseball field.. before the deck was there, there was a big tree in the middle of the yard... we cut that down, and there was a big tree stump.. which consequently became home plate.. The tree on the right side of the yard was first base... and, fortunately, there was a cement base already planted into the asphalt in the back for second base.. and the corner of the garage was third... while a big muddy patch in the middle was the pitcher's mound...

It was like that yard was made for me, or so I thought.

I remembered even before we cut the big tree down.. we hung a big swing from way up in the tree.. and I would never leave it. I ate at least seven thousand hot dogs on that swing during the proper weather conditions.

Even in the snow.. Soundview Terrace made a beautiful snowfighting battlefield..

Pat and I versus the yuppies.. John Peter and Jordan.. we always won.. because they were losers.

(John Peter, of course, became a huge football star later in life.. but I would like to say that was thanks to me and Pat.. because, frankly, he was a sissy.)

We would build forts out of the snowbanks left by the plows... Man.. those made perfect forts.

Guess it brings a whole new meaning to leaving your childhood behind.. in the past.. let the past be the past.

But my home is no longer there. For real this time. No more "it's coming.. it's coming.. it'll be gone soon.."

No more of that.

It's over now.

My home address? 104 Soundview Terrace..

No... not so much anymore.

Don't even have a permanent address.

Hell, I don't even know what my mom's new address is.

It's kind of scary not having a place to live, really.

No, it's really scary, actually.

Where do I go now?

What do I do now?

I guess that I really don't know anymore.

I can sleep here, where I am staying, as long as I want.

But I can never live here.

Gotta do it all alone now.

And people wonder why I'm so attached to my dog, eh.

Imagine coming home to an empty apartment everyday.

Provided, of course, you have an apartment to begin with.

Friends can only do so much.. they can only be there so much, while continuing on with their own lives, best they can as well.

There's only so much give and take.. and I appreciate all the times I've been on the receiving end of that.

But I can only lose so much.. I can only take so much defeat.. I can only defeat myself so much... I can only not give in.. I can only admit I am broken.. I can only admit I am sad.. I can only admit I am lonely. I can only do that.

I can't fight.. I can't argue.. because I fight and argue with myself everyday. Every single day.

I know some of you know what that is like.

Internal wars between your heart and your mind.. and sometimes your mind splits in an uncivil civil war of it's own.

I've grown up with fighting.. I've grown up fighting.. I've grown up losing.. thinking I've won.. to find out later that I was wrong.

So, no I don't contest.

But not because I feel as though I am wrong.

Not because I feel as though I am right.

But because I can only fight so much.

And my heart.. my mind.. my body.. and my tired soul.. is enough war and turmoil for me to handle.

I can only stand up for myself with myself. That's all I can count on, ever. I can love my friends, cherish their love.. and cherish the fact that I can feel love for them, with such a pain filled heart. I can enjoy the fact my heart can still somtimes feel.

But I cannot fight with other people for myself.

It's not worth it.

My energy, which is as valuable and precious as everyone else's, must go towards myself..

Keeping myself happy, as much I can.

And regardless of if I put up a fight.. even if I make a point... and win the battle... and regain control of situations I have no control over..

My heart is still at a loss...because it has put energy into fighting.

I cannot do it. I'm sorry, but I cannot do it.

I am also sorry I cannot cry over fighting, either. That I could not show I was affected.. That I could not show I was hurt.

But again, I can only cry so much.. for fear of possible break down of all systems. I can only feel so much.. I can only be affected by so much.

I've cried over fighting for as long as I emotionally knew what crying was...

I locked myself away from screaming, yelling, accusations, anger fueled words... almost all my life.

I refuse to respond to it.. as merely a trained reaction.

Common disagreements.. minor arguments.. I can handle with great discomfort and sadness, but I can handle them... feeling their necessity in human relations and human behavior.

But when waking up every day becomes a battle, when allowing myself to love and trust becomes a battle.. when feeling becomes a battle.. your heart finds little time to fight for much else.

I will be the first to admit making a mistake or two.. or nine billion in my life.

But I will also be the first to admit that I am human, and make no more mistakes than anyone else.. perhaps, however on larger scales sometimes.

But I will say that I have never, ever, in my life, left anyone. Ever.

I try to.. believe me.. I walk out many doors. But I always come back.. (right Stacey?)..

I always come back.

I never left Tara's side.

She was laying there.. dead... and I never left her side.

Even when Pat left.. and even when the rest of the family left the room.. I stayed with her.

I never ever left her side until they took her away from me.

Not once.

I never, ever left.

I never left my father.

Her left me.

I never left my mother..

She made me.

I never left my sister...

I stayed with her every day when she was depressed.. even when she hated me.

I never left my brother..

I was there for Christmas.

I never left anyone I've ever dated...

I was always dumped.

I never left any of my friends...

No matter what, I always worked it out.

And I'll be damned if I ever leave Sky.

Because she is, like me, eternally faithful.

And I'll be damned if I ever leave Natasha..

Because she is the reason my heart wants to feel love in the first place. Even before I knew her.. even before I met her.. She is what kept my heart feeling.. knowing one day it would actually feel good.

Last but not least.. I will never abandon myself.. ever again. No matter how lost I may get.. I'll always find me. And to hell with everything else.

I suppose Natasha was right when she said home is something inside of me.. I'm just realizing that right now.

I will still miss my testimonial one, however.

So, goodbye and goodnight 104 Soundview Terrace.

It wasn't always a happy time.. but it was a place to call mine for awhile.. and that's always nice.
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Ladies and Gentlemen [11 Jan 2003|07:31pm]
The moment you've all been waiting for.

I introduce to you, miss Kayley Paige.

Who undoubtedly taught me today, in a single hour, what unconditional love really means.



Go here to see more
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[07 Jan 2003|10:44pm]
Can I just take a moment please to UN-holla waking up at 6:00AM.

Big phatty UN-holla to that.

Otherwise.. all is well.

I am alive and well.

Being taken good care of in loving arms, and loving kitchens.

In case, of course, anyone was worried. Heh. Worried.

Thank you for your concerned emails, phone calls, messages in bottles.

Please, in leiu of flowers, send gifts or food.

To that place you have no idea how to get to.

Friends, I don't mind so much. But, eh.. My own father.

Now that's interesting.

Here comes a song.. Often posted on livejournal by your's truly.

You love it.
------

Sometimes you're happy, and sometimes you're sad.
But the world goes 'round.
Sometimes you lose every nickel you've had.
But the world goes 'round.
Sometimes your dreams get broken in pieces, but,
that doesn't alter a thing.
Take it from me, there's still going to be
a summer, a winter, a fall and a spring.
And sometimes your friends start treating you bad
but the world goes 'round.
Sometimes your heartbreaks, with a deafening sound.
Somebody loses and somebody wins
one day it's kicks, then it's kicks in the shins.
But the planet spins,
and the world goes 'round...
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[03 Jan 2003|08:16pm]
Thought I'd repost it.. Since I don't think I can come up with anything that expresses my feelings on this day any better than I did a year ago.

Stacey, Stephen, Allison, I love you.

---
My friend's mother has passed away.... this makes me very sad for her, and for her family. I need to write and vent, so just deal.

It makes me sad to think that this wonderful girl I know is going through the worst moments of her life, and I, unfortunately, am not close enough to her to help her through it. The butch in me wants me to fix it, make it better, make it not happen.. help it, do something... The femme in me wants to cry, and hug, and be sentimental. It's times like this that make me realize that live is so short, so precious.. So unpredudice... So forgiving.. So wonderful... Which in themselves, make death unbearably hard. But to lose someone extraordinary and wonderful, loving, caring, kind, compassionate and selfless... makes it all the more extreme. And to have that affect many many people I care about, and forever change them, and void large places in their hearts, is a thought even I cannot process right now. My friend is so unbelieveable.. So talented.. so funny.. so wonderful..... her sibblings are equally as amazing and wonderful.. Apples not falling far from *her* tree.
Sadly though, I must say, this isn't my tragedy. Although I wish it were closer to me... it isn't.. So I feel almost selfish being so sad. Like it's not my place to be sad... but I can't help it. I am.
It makes me wish I weren't so full of myself... like people are below me, not worth my time. Makes me feel like I should've thanked her more.. Like I should've been a part of that world I fought so hard to stay outside of.. To have real friends in high school.. To do sleepovers, and parties.. and be a part of someone else's family... Especially that one...
For someone who's always said hi to me.. even when I didn't recognize her at first.. Who's always welcomed me in when my friend wasn't home.. Who gave me that smile when I needed it.. Who told funny stories about my friend's sleeping habbits.. to make me smile when I was obviously crying.. Who loved Melissa Etheridge.. Who loved her children.. Who loved in general. Who hated the drive through ATM next door... another wonderful soul... another wonderful life..
It's funny when real life comes and hits you in the face.. It's funny how wake up calls become something more than reality... How you live your life always half afraid.. Always half closed.. Alwyas half empty... but why?
It's funny how things like this become almost surreal.. Almost like it's not happening, but it is. Especially being so far outside of it.. But it's almost odd how it can affect you.. how it can make you remember things you'd forgotten for years.. but they flood back.. the smallest things.. because it was that smallest little smile in the hallway, after concerts, at her door.... that made me smile..
It's difficult to try and process something so far, yet so close.. Like it's mine, but it's not.. So many other people.. so many other memories.. so many people who loved.. so many people who were loved. Like I was as small to her as she was to me... But the little things do matter... as we find out...almost too late.
I've tried too hard to make myself the rebel.. to be the outsider.. or the floater.. or the wanderer.. when really all I wanted was to belong... but I didn't... all at the same time. I should've. I can't believe the things I missed being on the outside for so long.. Feigning excitement, caring, and compassion.. just enough to get by... while really I've missed out a lot of wonderful things... like having that group of friends from childhood to be there for me.. no matter what... and having that core of existance.. that rock to cling to.. or to go back to every once in awhile..
It also makes me think about my own mother, and the horrible things I've said and done in the past.. that I will call tomorrow and love her more than ever...
Also brings thoughts of fighting... and arguing.. over silly things. I was reading my friend's livejournal, and she was arguing with another friend over something... and the reality clicked in that anything can happen... anything at all.. and there's no time for that.. none at all.

"Don't be afraid... close your eyes.. lay it all down.. don't you cry. Can't you see I'm going where I can see the sunrise? I've been talking to my angel, and he said that it's alright." Melissa Etheridge
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[30 Dec 2002|05:02am]
Ah so tired.

But, however, my room looks pretty cool. it's not the greatest painting job, but mainly because I used cheap paint, and rushed like a fool. Knowing that one day soon I'd not have time to even see my room, let alone paint it. Put up some posters to make it feel more like "home" and so forth. It will be a swingin' pad once I get my bed and a new bed set up in this piece, yo.

My hands are definitely covered in paint.. as is most of my body at this point. Tomorrow, my friends, I buy some form of paint removing substance, and all will be well.

Because, I sure do need professional on Tuesday. I am meeting the man to end all mans of Walgreens, and I must look professional.

(So I will be a corporate person very soon, I hope.. and you will all love my corporate sell out ass. Love it, I tell you.)

And.. as hot as grey and red paint all over one's body is... it is not professional.

So.. tomorrow, I will work on getting that together.

Also.. Rach and Lish and Twon already know this.. I believe Danielle might as well. i invite folks over to the pad de Aly Juli and Shannon on New Year's Eve. I haven't really discussed said things with roommates, because roommates no live here right now... They aint got no bed, yo. So once they fix that, they live here. But anyway.. they're invited, too. (hehehe).. Anyway.. so yeah.. I have no money, obviously.. and no groceries of any kind. So I kindly say bring your own booze, food, water... anything of that nature you feel you might need.. bring it.. because I don't have it. But if you wish to spend New Year's Eve (and I am so tired right now I just almost typed "Thanksgiving") with your friend (ME), then please come over. Because.. I'm pretty cute.

And maybe, if we're lucky, we can get the signal in for the countdown. If not.. maybe they'll have it online.

I'm such a ghetto ho.

And that's fine.

Anyway.. I am tired. I hope that I do not get paint all over my bed.

I probably will.

But.. I do not feel the need to explain my art to any of you, really.

That is all.
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okay [29 Dec 2002|01:00pm]
if that's the game we're going to play, then that's the game I'm very good at.

That is all for now.
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one by one the stars would all go out, and you and I would simply fly away [29 Dec 2002|03:08am]
Well, finally, for once I can remember, I had a Merry Christmas (Christmas Day, that is).

Family drama at home was left at home. A fatherless Christmas Eve for the first time in my life. It's just a holiday, right? Like any other day, just with no school and no work and no banks open.

I don't want to get into that right now. Nor do I want to discuss missing Tara this Christmas either.

I will discuss, however, drama free in 2003. Starting Tuesday, the ball is definitely rolling on being called Ms. Mase for the rest of my life. Sometimes I'd like to think there really is a Never Never Land, because I'd love to be a Lost Boy right about now.

But it's just getting it started, rolling that ball and being on my way to what I want... I'm too much in a hurry to get to where I want to be, to want to have to put up with all that's in between.

I can assure at least those of you financially worried about me, that all will be well once this is started. I will no longer be a free loading bastard, and that at least makes me feel good.

I loved my time in Maine. It's so good to be around a family that cares about each other so much. Sisters who cuddle, even. It was really amazing, and so good for my heart. It was also amazing to have her family actually like me... (or at least I think they like me). And thought I wasn't totally comfortable, as anyone would be at someone else's house (especially such a beautiful one, at that) I was at least feeling at ease and settled. Which was shocking to me, really, considering how uncomfortable I was thinking it would be. Not uncomfortable because of her family, of course, because they are such wonderful people.. but uncomfortable because I'm a nervous loser sometimes and make an ass out of myself very easily. But as soon as I got there, I was fine. And that was awesome.

And I would like to thank her family for ordering the perfect traveling conditions for me, to say the least. Drove five states NORTH in the middle of a northern moving storm, and only caught any of it on the last 10 minutes of the trip. Which made for a very white Christmas.

Also had a nice date with my beautiful girlfriend last night to see a movie. Maid in Manhattan, with JLO. Cute cute date flick, indeed. And even more fun when there is an old couple sitting in the row in front of you, with the woman giving the man a quite noticeable hand job. Provided many a non movie enhanced giggle, to say the least.

And I have to say it. I do *big red heart* Maine.
And I *even bigger red heart* my girlfriend.

And (this is for Rachel): I do NOT *big red heart* saggy boobs.
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damn girls [28 Dec 2002|09:52pm]
not speaking about my girlfriend, of course.
but awaiting patiently for rachel and her friend from work to prepare to go out to clubby goodness...

and of course.

alas..

between choosing an outfit/changing it seven times/doing makeup/redoing make up/doing hair/ and of course admiring themselves..

I got here at 7:30
it is now 10.

they MIGHT be ready now.

Hahaha.

I love it tho.
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