Mom and VJ took Puppy to her new home today. No more puppy.
They're both very very sad.
But Puppy is in a nice, loving home.. with 85 billion acres of land to run around... things of that nature.
But I don't think anyone will love Puppy as much as my mom and VJ.
Sky was very very sad to see Puppy go.. and was very confused.. because Puppy has never been out like that before.. Sky was walking around the house all day looking for her.
It broke my heart.
But what hurt even more so... was taking my sad and confused Sky to the kennel to board her today.
She was shaking and crying, and so sad. I myself couldn't stop crying long enough to give the lady my address.
Had to hand her my ID and write down my phone number, because I couldn't talk.
Perhaps, I am broken.
And maybe I am weak.
Spent the last night ever in my house last night.
Left it for good today.
Only to return to move things out of it.
It was my last day with my home.
Spent the night last night in my old bedroom (which has since been VJ's bedroom) for old times sake.
Closed my eyes and imagined how it was when I lived there.. Couldn't even see the walls, I had so many pictures and posters hanging up all over the place.
I remember my mom and I painting in there. It had been this tacky peach color for the longest time... and we painted it white.
Took Sky out to the yard for the last time..
Let her run around and such, played some ball.. Watched as she barked under a tree, trying to coax the ball out.
(I had to crawl under the tree to get the ball, the barking didn't really motivate the ball to move)
Looked around the yard... fell back into memories.. before the pool was put in, it was the perfect size for a mini baseball field.. before the deck was there, there was a big tree in the middle of the yard... we cut that down, and there was a big tree stump.. which consequently became home plate.. The tree on the right side of the yard was first base... and, fortunately, there was a cement base already planted into the asphalt in the back for second base.. and the corner of the garage was third... while a big muddy patch in the middle was the pitcher's mound...
It was like that yard was made for me, or so I thought.
I remembered even before we cut the big tree down.. we hung a big swing from way up in the tree.. and I would never leave it. I ate at least seven thousand hot dogs on that swing during the proper weather conditions.
Even in the snow.. Soundview Terrace made a beautiful snowfighting battlefield..
Pat and I versus the yuppies.. John Peter and Jordan.. we always won.. because they were losers.
(John Peter, of course, became a huge football star later in life.. but I would like to say that was thanks to me and Pat.. because, frankly, he was a sissy.)
We would build forts out of the snowbanks left by the plows... Man.. those made perfect forts.
Guess it brings a whole new meaning to leaving your childhood behind.. in the past.. let the past be the past.
But my home is no longer there. For real this time. No more "it's coming.. it's coming.. it'll be gone soon.."
No more of that.
It's over now.
My home address? 104 Soundview Terrace..
No... not so much anymore.
Don't even have a permanent address.
Hell, I don't even know what my mom's new address is.
It's kind of scary not having a place to live, really.
No, it's really scary, actually.
Where do I go now?
What do I do now?
I guess that I really don't know anymore.
I can sleep here, where I am staying, as long as I want.
But I can never live here.
Gotta do it all alone now.
And people wonder why I'm so attached to my dog, eh.
Imagine coming home to an empty apartment everyday.
Provided, of course, you have an apartment to begin with.
Friends can only do so much.. they can only be there so much, while continuing on with their own lives, best they can as well.
There's only so much give and take.. and I appreciate all the times I've been on the receiving end of that.
But I can only lose so much.. I can only take so much defeat.. I can only defeat myself so much... I can only not give in.. I can only admit I am broken.. I can only admit I am sad.. I can only admit I am lonely. I can only do that.
I can't fight.. I can't argue.. because I fight and argue with myself everyday. Every single day.
I know some of you know what that is like.
Internal wars between your heart and your mind.. and sometimes your mind splits in an uncivil civil war of it's own.
I've grown up with fighting.. I've grown up fighting.. I've grown up losing.. thinking I've won.. to find out later that I was wrong.
So, no I don't contest.
But not because I feel as though I am wrong.
Not because I feel as though I am right.
But because I can only fight so much.
And my heart.. my mind.. my body.. and my tired soul.. is enough war and turmoil for me to handle.
I can only stand up for myself with myself. That's all I can count on, ever. I can love my friends, cherish their love.. and cherish the fact that I can feel love for them, with such a pain filled heart. I can enjoy the fact my heart can still somtimes feel.
But I cannot fight with other people for myself.
It's not worth it.
My energy, which is as valuable and precious as everyone else's, must go towards myself..
Keeping myself happy, as much I can.
And regardless of if I put up a fight.. even if I make a point... and win the battle... and regain control of situations I have no control over..
My heart is still at a loss...because it has put energy into fighting.
I cannot do it. I'm sorry, but I cannot do it.
I am also sorry I cannot cry over fighting, either. That I could not show I was affected.. That I could not show I was hurt.
But again, I can only cry so much.. for fear of possible break down of all systems. I can only feel so much.. I can only be affected by so much.
I've cried over fighting for as long as I emotionally knew what crying was...
I locked myself away from screaming, yelling, accusations, anger fueled words... almost all my life.
I refuse to respond to it.. as merely a trained reaction.
Common disagreements.. minor arguments.. I can handle with great discomfort and sadness, but I can handle them... feeling their necessity in human relations and human behavior.
But when waking up every day becomes a battle, when allowing myself to love and trust becomes a battle.. when feeling becomes a battle.. your heart finds little time to fight for much else.
I will be the first to admit making a mistake or two.. or nine billion in my life.
But I will also be the first to admit that I am human, and make no more mistakes than anyone else.. perhaps, however on larger scales sometimes.
But I will say that I have never, ever, in my life, left anyone. Ever.
I try to.. believe me.. I walk out many doors. But I always come back.. (right Stacey?)..
I always come back.
I never left Tara's side.
She was laying there.. dead... and I never left her side.
Even when Pat left.. and even when the rest of the family left the room.. I stayed with her.
I never ever left her side until they took her away from me.
I never, ever left.
I never left my father.
Her left me.
I never left my mother..
She made me.
I never left my sister...
I stayed with her every day when she was depressed.. even when she hated me.
I never left my brother..
I was there for Christmas.
I never left anyone I've ever dated...
I was always dumped.
I never left any of my friends...
No matter what, I always worked it out.
And I'll be damned if I ever leave Sky.
Because she is, like me, eternally faithful.
And I'll be damned if I ever leave Natasha..
Because she is the reason my heart wants to feel love in the first place. Even before I knew her.. even before I met her.. She is what kept my heart feeling.. knowing one day it would actually feel good.
Last but not least.. I will never abandon myself.. ever again. No matter how lost I may get.. I'll always find me. And to hell with everything else.
I suppose Natasha was right when she said home is something inside of me.. I'm just realizing that right now.
I will still miss my testimonial one, however.
So, goodbye and goodnight 104 Soundview Terrace.
It wasn't always a happy time.. but it was a place to call mine for awhile.. and that's always nice.